Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Turn the page. Finish a chapter. Close the book. Begin living the next story to tell....

Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes, cards, and gifts. It was a wonderful day and couldn't have been more perfect. With the survival/celebration of another year and the entrance into a new one there has been much introspect going on in my mind and heart. I have made many "big" life choices in this past year. Survived several heart wounds that felt like they might kill me. Found a home for the summer that allowed me peace, quiet, alone time with God and nature something that after five years of living in "the hood" and full time ministry I had begun to think didn't exist any more. As I have settled back into my home town I have been going through the memorabilia that my mom had kept for me. Old homework, clothes, toys, pictures, keep sakes and what not. I have read and now burned many old journals. Wow ! That's all I can say to middle school and high school Stacie. Wow, Girl! You have come far and yet.....not so much. In all the introspect, evaluation, revelation, laughter and tears that have come from visiting who I use to be I have found the strength and need to make some "big" inside life choices that I hope will help me become who I want to be. New motto: Turn the page. Finish a chapter. Close the book. Begin living the next story to tell....

Turn the page. Finish a chapter. Close the book. Begin living the next story to tell....Recycled mistakes are just that. We are choosing not to learn from our own pain. Insanity. Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I no longer want to see myself as an emotional cutter. Mistake once, acceptable. Mistake repeated, unacceptable. Relationships no matter their "title" change us. I from the deepest part of my heart believe that ALL relationships are for a reason, some a season and some a life time. Some of them are for our benefit and some of  them are for the other person's benefit. Some are worth keeping hold of no matter the cost. Some are in need of loosening our grip on no matter the pain, no matter the title. Love. It is unconditional and based on nothing. It isn't earned. It isn't deserved. It simply is. It decides everything we do. The lack of love, the desire for it, the pain from it, the high from it, the bliss it produces when it is perfect. The ultimate love of His sacrifice for us. Love, it defines who we are. Like it or not. While we may love someone forever that doesn't mean they will forever be an active part of our life. The stories of our lives will be littered with the lives of those we loved, that loved us, that we tried to love, but couldn't. While my new motto it isn't the same idea as "it isn't personal it's business" it still is in the family of that ideal. Perhaps the flip side of it, "it isn't business, it's personal", but with the same bottom line. When something is done. It's done. Let it go. What's the use of holding on to something that isn't good for you ? What's the use of holding onto someone that loves you with conditions ? "If you are "this" then I will love you. If you do "that" then you will deserve my love. Until "this and that" are so then I will with hold my love." This is not personal. That is business.

Along with evaluating who I am and my role in making me, me. I am coming to a place of acceptance and appraisal. What's my worth and why ? What needs changed ? What's wonderful about who I am even if no one else thinks so.  I am also assesing the relationships I have. The role they play in making me who I am. Who contributes ? Who weight's down ? Why ?  It's o.k. to finish a page with some. It's good to know a chapter is done and that it made you better. It's amazing to put a book on the shelf knowing you did all you could to understand it. Even when it meant reading the same sentence multiple times. It's freeing to realize you can start living the next story to be told. A blank page. Chapters untitled. Book unbound.

 Turn the page. Finish a chapter. Close the book. Begin living the next story to tell....

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