The disease being sin nature. The symptom today, Spiritual Envy. I have had a lot of time to think, pray, read, debate, etc. these days. In the more recent days I've been evaluating all that the Lord's been doing in my heart since I left Chattanooga. It's been a year of pruning with out question! I had originally begun this journey with a desire to evaluate what my life had been for the last five years. Now that I feel closer and closer to having that book closed a desire for evaluation of my current and most present life has arisen in me. Not so much what did God do, but what is God in the process of doing ?
Today as I read a few things and reviewed some items sent to me by friends and former colleagues I started to feel something I hadn't in a long time. I'm not exactly the kind of girl who wants what some one else has when it comes to material things, for the most part. So, I haven't had the feeling of envy in quiet some time. I really can't even remember the last time I felt a desire to have what some one else had. Which I guess is a blessing. Today however as I read about other's walk with the Lord, experiences and journeys I began to get so irritated. Almost even mad. I couldn't figure it out. I had just finished my quiet time, drank some hot tea, and was calm by my definition of the word. Then out of the blue or perhaps I should say green came that feeling, Envy. As the day has gone on I've lingered on the idea of spiritual envy. What is that ? Did I just make it up ? Never heard of it before. Envy, of course, I've heard of it before, but spiritual envy ? Never. What dangerous ground I tread !
I realize the people I find the most attractive or beautiful are those with a heart for Jesus and His people. Doesn't mean they are all in ministry, but more so that they have accepted Love and desire to pour it out on others. I realize the girls I'm most jealous of are those that I find beautiful. Not in the common sense, though they are all certainly gorgeous in their own rights. The men I'm most attracted to are those who's heart and mind over power the rest of their attractive qualities. Both of those being the one's that have found their freedom in letting go of them selves and holding on to God no matter what that means. Some have walked their walk alone most of their life. Some have been sent around the world with near strangers to share the gospel through song, acting, speaking and serving. Others, are stay at home mom's and wives living simply day to day with the first calling we as women ever had, being a help mate!
Today in all this self evaluation I realized I'm jealous of their Jesus!! The ability they have found to follow Him against all other advice, norm's, or temptations. The beauty that they are because of this Love and Joy that flows from their hearts because they do what they are called to. I am envious! I have a disease and today I suffer from the symptom of Spiritual Envy.
Today's prayer has been a line from a song, "If there's anything at all coming in between our love please show me". I am even afraid to pray it the words feel so strong to me. I confessed as I prayed that I wasn't sure I was ready for the answer to what I was about to ask Him for. While Spiritual Envy may not be the worst thing and in fact could be quiet the flattery to others, it surely isn't the best thing either. I want to take this knowledge I've gained today and apply it. Let it be one of the things that I let go of in my goal to hold onto Him. I want to turn my Spiritual Envy into one of the "irons" (proverbs 27:17) that sharpen me into a better person.
Much Love - Stacie <3