Saturday, April 19, 2014

Lists. Lists? Lists!

This post is going to merge just a bit with a upcoming post entitled , "My Favorite Things" . So, I would like to pre-apologize for future repetition of a few items . Now, onto this post ! I have learned the hard way that mocking a situation is a sure way to purchase your first class ticket into a similar situation of your very own . I worked in an admissions office for a couple years and my friend Ashleigh was always dropping her phone . She was one of the recruiting assistants so , having a working cell was vital . After about her fifth crazy cell drop I started mocking her , calling her butterfingers and whatever else . I sure did become a "dropper" after making fun of all the cracked screens . That was about 7 years ago and to this day I keep my phone in a "otter box"-esq contraption due to my fear of the dropping curse . Lets be honest , we all fear dropping our cell into the toilet and then having to explain to the cell people that you where texting on the toilet . Don't even act like that hasn't happened !!! My need for making lists came about in a similar fashion .  I have made fun of my mom for years over her list making . They are in her purse , in her planner , and I am pretty sure I have seen them in her car . I have apparently inherited this NEED to make lists . Grocery lists , to-do lists , gift lists (who I gave what & attempt for no repeats) , packing lists , event lists , and it goes on and on . When working as a scheduling coordinator and event planner this list making came in extremely handy . Well , time has passed and I have found fellow list makers that help me feel a little less OCD about it .

Originally our lists where professional . Who was working what shift , who had who on their meeting list , so on and so forth . Since most of my list making associates have , like me , left the environment that made those lists so necessary we find our selves making new kinds of list . "You Can't Feel Bad When...." , "It isn't Summer Until..." , "What NOT to Post on Social Media" (our most popular and ever growing of the lists) , "I Hate Doing....(insert house chore here)" , and you get the picture . Our list making has gotten more creative . Most of these lists are ongoing and we add to them as needed . Always texting one another when an item is deemed important or irritating enough to be "listed" .

~ You Can't Feel Bad When...~
~ You're wearing good lipstick . Not lip gloss or chap stick , but a grown up , Marilyn Monroe kind of lipstick .
~ You have on perfume . Not body spray , but real perfume from a pretty bottle . You know the kind .
~ You are wearing high heels . Sometimes I just wear them around the house , they make me feel fancy.....and tall .
~ You are eating a great dessert !! (Moon Pie cheese cake from The Blue Plate , Chattanooga)
~ You have friends to make silly lists with !!
~You Know You're Real Friends When...~
~ You've cried over a lost love .
~ You've seen one another throw up .
~ You've made a emergency room or police station trip together.....or to claim the other .
~ Bachelorette.....(Bachelorette is Vegas , what happens there , stays there)
~ You can show up unannounced at the others house .
~ You don't bother to clean even if the other has announced they're coming to your house .
~ You can spend the day together in your jammies and no one cares....and you leave the house looking like that and no one cares .  
~ You quote movies , songs, or pinterest quotes to one another as normal dialog .
~ You send/receive a "my kid went potty in the big kid potty" picture text .
~ You send/receive the engagement ring/ultra sound photo text .
~ You make jokes about death & undergarments.....I'm not gonna explain that .
~ You can text any situation and they understand why you sent a text instead of calling .
~It isn't Summer Until ~
~ We've sat in the sun until our head hurts .
~ We've made blueberry ice tea .
~ We've spent the day swimming and then had a REAL burger .
~ We have flip flop tan lines .
~ Someone's stabbed themselves trying to cut a watermelon .
~ Someone's threaten to stab themselves while bathing suit shopping .

Now , we have debated back and forth the idea of one of us blogging the following list . We haven't been able to settle on the posting of all of the "listed" items , but I am gonna share a few . I hope you will find them entertaining and not offensive . It is all in good fun . I have a feeling many of you will agree with our list and even have items to add . And if you happen to be a violator of the list , don't worry . We give warnings......then we block you . Just kidding . Sorda . I do have a friend that "unfollowed" people for too many baby postings , so , ya know .

~ What NOT to post on Social Media & Why ~
~ Lists . LOL !!!! Had I tweeted this list , that'd be a no-no , but posting it on my blog is a yes-yes . Why ? What's the difference ? The majority of us don't take the time to "unfollow" , delete or block the people/organizations that constantly post the annoying stuff so , we become attacked with big kid potty , I'm on my honey moon and swimming with a dolphin RIGHT NOW , and look at my busted feet pictures/status' as soon as our news feed opens . Posting them via blog gives the option . You don't have to read it , but I think you're gonna wanna . Lists of what you're going to do that day , where you've been , where you're going , what you got for Christmas , what you want for your Birthday.......are you looking to be robbed ? Haven't you seen a insurance commercial lately ?! No one needs to know all of this jank and if they do they should be a textable relationship . Else , don't go postin' how sad you are that your brand new Blu-ray player got hijacked after you posted that you'd gotten a brand new Blu-ray player and that you leave your front door unlocked while you jog every day at 6 a.m. You've really only got yourself to blame .

~ Honey Moon Pictures......WHILE ON HONEYMOON . When we see people posting pics WHILE on their honeymoon all we can hear is Phoebe from "FRIENDS" responding to Monica and Chandlers honeymoon recap , "Good honeymooning tiger" , said in the dullest of tones . Post a few touristy , sight seeing-esq pics AFTER the honeymoon , but please don't give us a play by play of what you are (or are apparently not) doing . It's a honeymoon , it's self explanatory .

~ Status' that imply you and your spouse have just or are about to , bang . I'm saying it as politely as I know how . Forget politeness , some of you post in your status' honeymoon activity innuendos ! I'm not the rude one ! And yes , "bang" is about as polite as I can get on this topic . I have some examples of said status' , but for the sake of you keeping down whatever your last meal was , I won't post them . You know what I mean though , we all have those unaware friends , I say unaware out of an attempt to give them the benefit of a doubt , who post "ttttoooooooooo many informations" (said like Raj from HIMYM) .

~ Naked Preggo Bellies    You are a magical creature and we know it . We support it . We are as excited as you are about this new life growing inside your tumtum . However , we do not want to see your bare naked tumtum !!!! Beeeecause......if you are "that girl" that only gains in her tummy and you're posting your stick figure holding a basketball-esq pictures , you are just making the rest of the pregger club bitter and angry . HECK , you're making the girls that aren't in the preggo club bitter and angry !!! Everyone wishes they only gained in their belly when growing a person , but they don't . So, common , for the sake of the sisterhood....stopit!!!! (spelled as one word because it is pronounced as one word) . Feel free to post clothed preggo belly growth shots . I think we are o.k. with those . I know I consider learning that your fetus is the size of a orange and has grown ears as educational .

~ While we are in the baby vicinity , not everyone is as excited as you are that your toddler just took a pooh in the big kid potty . I mean , I am excited about it cause that is one less diaper "Aunt Stacie" is changing when on baby sitting duty.....or doody if you will . However , all those singletons on your friends lists really couldn't give a crap...."uhhhhuuuhhh , crap" (said like Bevis & Butthead) . Pun intended . If you're that good of friends that you wanna share your kids potty time you can text that kind of Kodak moment (see "You Know You're Good Friends When" list above) . I get these kind of texts often because most of my friends have procreated at this point . So , going potty is a pretty big deal these days and , I am not offended when I get said texts . I know , you're shocked , but you should keep in mind that not all of my fellow singletons are as excited as I am that your mini me went potty in the potty . Just yesterday I got a potty text , a first trip to the salon text and a my kid is going fishing in a tutu text . I found all of them amusing .  I must add to this category the "my kid is eating on their own" pictures .  I'm as stoked as you that your kid found their food whole , but when you post that mushed up food on their face picture , I honestly am not sure if you're proud that they ate all by them selves or if you are asking for medical advice because your child just spewed carrots......or at least what appears to have at one time been a carrot .

~ Feet - Yes . Feet .  And yes , I have broken this rule , but not to toot my own horn (toot toot) I have kinda cute feet . They are similar to a toddlers feet . So , unless you have well pedicured toesies , adorable toddler feet or are some sort of a famous foot model , we don't wanna see em' . We really don't wanna see them if you're doing a shoe shot and all of your toes do not fit in your shoe !!! Just take the shoe shot sans feet . It's in the best interest of everyone .

~ Passive Aggressive Status' -This topic has come up with more than one set of friends so it has been deemed important enough to be "listed" . Listen . I get it . We all get it . Some people are hard to confront , say what you want too , or even really just talk to in person . Some relationships are best in their cyber form . HOWEVER , if you choose to publicize your family/marital/friendship , etc. dispute via your status then the rest of us reserve the right to mock you until you cry . Yea , we feel that strongly about it . No , I'm not being passive aggressive in not naming names......there are just too many . Too many folks seem to think that if it's said on social media then that's good enough . I'm sorry , but if you love me....say it with your lips....not your facebook status ! Same goes for anger , if you are so immature that the only way to handle a dispute is via social media then maybe you shouldn't have social media accounts . I mean , can I get a Amen ?! ( I looked for the clip from Emma in which she bounces back and forth between her hate and love for John . I am sad I couldn't find it . Just pretend , "I hate john. I love John. I hate John.") That is what your back and forth of love and hate sounds like to us .

~ Quiz Results ~ I know , we all love a quiz . Especially if it is gonna tell us who we really are . I mean , I have taken a couple and I for one am glad to have confirmed that out of all the "Friends" characters I am most like "Rachel" . I think everyone that I shared that quiz with was as equally excited . Knowing that you are a orange , grizzly bear , martini , Christmas Story , and gonna have 10 kids is super important and can really only be found out through those social media quizzes . With out them how would we know who we really are ?! (If you can't sense my thick layer of sarcasm laced throughout this entire paragraph then maybe we should take a quiz to see if we are compatible as friends) .

Lists . Lists ? Lists !!! They go on and on . Hopefully these few created by several friends along with myself will give you a giggle or maybe even a guide line or two . LOL !!! Happy List Making !!!! What are some of your lists ? Do you have anything that needs added to my lists ?

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