Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Afraid of The Dark.......

I absolutely believe that as Christians, but especially as Christian ladies we must be just as real with our lows as we are with our highs. In order for the ones that will walk beside, behind, and even in front of us to get a true glimpse of what it means to be a Christian woman walking in this crazy world they MUST be privy to our highs and our lows.
With that said, it has been six months since I finished my ministry/job in Chattanooga. It has been close to ten months since I followed the Lord's leading in giving my word that I would not resign my contract for a sixth year at my prior position. At the time I was a type of exhausted that I'm not even sure how to explain. I suppose to say that even my eye lashes suffered from exhaustion would be a good statement. In preparing to leave my place there and plan for what was next I began praying for the things I knew I needed most. I was sure I needed a time of refreshment, REST, and renewal. I knew I would need a new job, ministry, and perhaps place to live. And maybe I wasn't asking for it, but I needed a time of revival as well. As I finished my work I absolutely believed that I was obeying the Lord. I trusted that He was going to provide everything that I needed and more. As the summer moved into the fall and I made some big choices I continued to feel His loving arms around me. Providing everything I needed and even some things that I wanted. I was given rest, fellowship, a time in His word that I hadn't had in a long time.
But as the days have turned into weeks and the weeks into months I had started to feel forgotten. Abandon. Uncared for by my Heavenly Father. Even as I type I feel outrageous using those words. How dare I accuse the One who loves me most with abandonment! But alas that is how I felt. And at sometimes still feel. In this time of some prayers being answered and some not I have gotten to know a lot about myself that I didn't before. It's frightening to realize the parts of us that lay dormant for so long. It's scary to know how the things that have upset us about others is a part of our self as well. God the Father is a strict parent who only wants what is best for His children. I at times question His really knowing what is best for me since He does not always give me what I want. As if I have a real clue. In the times of "no, you can't have that" I have come to recognize how dark and sad I can be. Maybe, spoiled is a better word. I've considered myself a bit fearless in most areas of my life. Mainly because I have felt so protected by my God!! Now, however recognizing my darkness I now know, I am afraid of the dark. We each have a capacity for deep, frightening, what I would be with out my salvation darkness. I've seen in it others. I've perhaps dipped my toe in the vast pond of "what if I ignore God".  But He has always pulled me back stronger than ever.  As I sit on the edge of that pond dry as could be I have found myself looking to God with so many questions. "Father, can You hear me ? Lord, are You taunting me ? Lord, have You forgotten me ?". I know that when He comes through for me, and He will come through for me,  I will feel like the smallest speck of junk on or under the earth's surface.  However, for the sake of being transparent, back and forth I have these questions. With every interview for a job that sounded too good to be true (let's face it there aren't that many) and with every "we went with someone else" that comes after them I feel taunted. In every moment spent with the people I feel make me better and in the good-bye that is sure to follow, I feel teased. As my heart finds little bits of hope when I dare to dream on what His plans for me could possibly be I feel ridiculed, provoked, and flat out mocked when these dreams of His possible desires for me do not come true.......in my timing. I'm so selfish! 
I don't have a "the end" to this story yet. It's apart of my current walk with Him. This is my  attempt to practice what I preach. I never want to convey to the world or anybody else that I have it all figured out. I am a work in progress, color outside the lines, hot mess as anyone can be. But, even in my darkest moments I KNOW that there is a Light doing it's mightiest to lead me out. I am sure my God will provide the perfect job, ministry, or whatever when it is time. I just wonder if He is gonna "wear me out", a term used in the south when one is about to get a "spankin'", in a new way before that happens.  No matter, I'm sure He will do what is best for this bratty daughter of His.

As I sat down to write this song came on. It is not a "christian" song from a "christian" radio station or artist, but I found it's words to be so spot on. In the darkness I can hear my Father speaking these type of words to me.
I Won't Let You Go -lyrics by James Morrison
When it's black
Take a little time to hold yourself
Take a little time to feel around
Before it's gone

You won't let go
But still do you keep on falling down
Remember how you saved me now
From all of my own, yeah
And this love, just feel it
And if this life won't see it
Sees no time to be alone, alone, yeah
I won't let you go

Say those words, say those words like there's
Nothing else
Close your eyes and you might believe
That there is some way out
Open up, open up your heart to me now
Let it all come pouring out
There's nothing I can't take

And this love, just feel it
And if this life won't see it
Sees no time to be alone, alone, yeah
I won't let you go

If the sky is falling, just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone, yeah
I won't let you go

And if you feel the flame of love tonight
And you're too week to carry on the fire
And all your friends that you cannot hide,
Disappear
I'll be here night going, forever holding on

And this love, just feel it
And if this life won't see it
Sees no time to be alone, alone, yeah
I won't let you go, uh

If the sky is falling, just take my hand and hold it
You don't have to be alone, alone, yeah
I won't let you go, uh

I won't let you go, no
I won't let
I won't let you go, no
I won't let
I won't let you go, no
Won't let you go...


1 comment:

  1. I know exactly what you are talking about and saying. I have felt this way myself before and it is a scary place, but it is one that led me into a better place, eventually and that in that time of eventually it was the loneliest place...so I hear and feel you and I am sending up prayers and a hug.

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