Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Mad About It

"Each one of us is responsible for our own walk with the Lord - no one can walk it for us. No one is going to miraculously change our circumstances , or take away the hurdles that we face, but rather we need the courage to face them head-on, one by one . " - Hazel Pattison

I notice how truly closed off I am to God , His voice , His plans, His presence when I have no desire to write . My blog began with the intent of sharing all that God is doing , has done and promises to do in my life . However, the two years since I began writing haven't been filled with these mighty movements that I had originally expected . In fact , quiet the opposite . I have experienced my darkest moments in the days , weeks, months and now years that have followed my original post . I've learned exactly what a human heart is capable of when it comes to ignoring the voice of God . At least I've learned what this heart is capable of .

"He (the enemy) is set on destruction and he often does this by isolating us." - Heather Puffett

Much about me has changed or at least from my perspective it has . My heart is not the same as when I began this journey and neither is my mind or soul . I've changed my mind on a lot of things that I had originally believed to be true for my life . I have changed the way I interact with some people and certain situations . The way I talk to God , how I spend time with Him or worship have all seemed to be mixed up as well . In all honesty there have been many days I didn't even want to bother with God . So, I didn't .I'm grateful His attitude towards me isn't so easily swayed . I've been rather angry with Him . Mad at Him . Brave words for a mortal . I'm mad at God . He knows my heart more deeply that even I do , so why pretend to be able to hide something from Him . My actions alone speak loudly to Him so voicing this new revelation will not be a revelation to Him at all . I'm disappointed . I'm mad . I'm hurt . I'm confused ! I've Said All This Before .   What makes today any different ? For me , it's my ability to say not just to myself or to God, but to you just how disappointed I am . I'm disappointed that God has yet to reveal His plan for me . I'm mad at myself for being so impatient . I'm frustrated at time and how quickly it moves , how slowly it moves . I'm irritated by the encouragement that is meant only to build me up , but just reminds me that I'm in a place to need building up . I'm bothered by my own heart , mind , wants , needs , distractions and insecurities . My bondage . Do you hear my chains rattle as I speak ? I do .

"As we allow Him in, He gives us the strength to overcome." - Hazel Pattison

After about a month of trying to freeze my relationship with the Lord out I finally sat down this morning to read my devotion book , to journal , and just at least attempt to pursue some joy . I bought a book several months ago from a used book store . I hadn't heard anything about the book . None of my friends as far as I know have read it . It was totally random that it even caught my eye in this massive ware house of books , but for some reason it did . I purchased it , brought it home , sat it on my end table and on occasion looked at it . Something in me knew that beginning this book would open my eyes , speak some truth , and possibly challenge or convict me . So, I let it sit . Days, weeks, and months it has sat on my end table under my Bible, journal and devo book . Staring at me . Taunting me . Mocking me . Today I finally picked it up . Just as I thought , with in the first lines I saw truth . I read commonality from two sisters who have been in the very same battle I am currently fighting . I underlined with my red pin (that I accidentally stole from a teacher friend) somewhat feverishly truth, after truth, after frightening familiarity truth ! As I read word after familiar word it felt as though these women had read my diaries . The diaries I'm too afraid to even write . I believe that even in the darkness God is at work in my life . Even in my silence , frustration , defeat , and lack of motivation God is still moving ever so gently .
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

It is perhaps entertaining to Him that I would think I have the ability to simply walk away from Him .  Even in "ignoring" Him I am desperately aware of His presence.....and His silence. .

Romans 8:37-39  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I don't recall if I came to this conclusion last night , this morning , in a dream or long ago . However today I keep thinking on the fact that God is not keeping things from me out of meanness, anger , not believing in my ability , or lack of trust in me . Rather He is keeping me from these things because they are not what is best for me . And if left up to me alone I would settle for less than Gods best believing it's all I deserved . I can see it clearly and still like a child I stomp my feet and cross my arms with a 'humph" like a spoiled child . I've said many times that  knowing what ISN'T suppose to be is just as good as knowing what is . I'm painfully reminded of that truth as I scroll through what feels like zillions of resumes sent , applications , interviews and opportunities that I knew just weren't for me . God is taking me through a very painful and thorough refining process .

Zechariah 13:9 - And I will bring the third part through the fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them as gold is tried: they shall call on my name, and I will hear them: I will say, It [is] my people: and they shall say, The LORD [is] my God.
1 Peter 1:7 - That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:
Isaiah 48:10 - Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver;
I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.

I pray that when it is over I might shine like silver .


  1. So so so many similarities in our situations, down to the length of time. I've even told God that it's hard for me to pray for you because I can't believe for myself anymore so I can't believe for others either. But I feel the same way nonetheless. That this is for a reason. Uuuuuugh. love ya.

  2. And! (haha) I think it's even more difficult because you and I both willingly let things go on faith. That's what makes it hard for me to think anyone else REALLY gets it. It's not just that a normal life crappiness came upon us, this is something we laid on the alter and then didn't see the "ram" to replace our sacrifice - yet. Hopefully soon!

  3. you need stop reading my private thoughts ;-) and may I have the name is this book please!!! Hugs and prayers!