This, then, is how you ought to regard us: as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the mysteries God has revealed. 2 Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. 3 I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. 4 My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. 5 Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.
1 Corinthians 4:1-5
I recently told a friend and fellow blogger that I can't write unless I'm inspired . Well, I'm not sure if this post is from inspiration or frustration, but I'm hoping that writing it out will help clear my soul . It wasn't too long ago that I had a job in which every choice I made was watched, judged , rejudged and then judged some more . I was reminded just this weekend of that fact .
Looking back after being away from it for a while now , I'm unsure how a human survives such a position . That may be a theme in my life . I often look back at past experiences amazed I survived. Also looking back , I know that the Lord was the only reason this human survived it . I have zero doubt that I made mistakes along the way . I have zero doubt I prayed about all decisions at all times . In that kind of situation I believe even an atheist would find themselves crying out to God every now and then . Don't confuse my words . It was a wonderful time that I wouldn't trade for the world . Even with it's insanely difficult times . But it had more than it's fair share of insanely difficult times . I'd like to think the good out weighted the bad . I can recall two fellow female leaders and myself weeping until we almost became ill over who the Lord would have for our leadership team the following year . That time of prayer and that specific leadership team produced some of my closest friends to date . That team also produced the next set of leaders . It was an amazing time of growth , desire for God and leadership . I'm so grateful I was able to have been there to see and experience it .
Just a short bit ago I ran into a few folks from that time period who , lets say , are not my biggest fans . Based on our past conversations I have no choice but to believe they never knew me or my heart . I'm sad to say I now feel like I never knew theirs either . Let me state for the record I'm the kind of chick that lives life more on a "lets' agree to disagree and go get some coffee" mentality than a "i don't agree with you so i hate your guts" mentality . But, that's just me and most people refuse to see that about me . I suppose everyone needs someone to blame at one point or another in life . I think for five solid years I was the one to blame....apparently..to some.....I still am . I've struggled the last few days thinking about the situations that removed what had once been friendships and has now made them less than friendly . I'm not exactly sure I've settled on this , but as I said in the beginning maybe writing this all out will help me settle the upset with in . I recall saying to my co-workers over and over , "you can put the blame on me" , if a situation felt like more than they could handle and they needed to pass the responsibility of a decision onto someone else . If that weight was just too heavy for them at the time I wasn't only glad to take the burden, but felt it was apart of my calling at the time .
As I hugged the necks of those who blame me for so many things my heart breaks . Somewhat selfishly and somewhat on their behalf . While I'm grateful to be seen as strong enough to handle blame , I worry that it takes them down a path even further away from the truth . I know that when I'm super angry and pointing fingers more times than not it's cause I don't want to look inward or upward . I prayed then and I pray now that the Lord would use me in their life to reflect the truth of His love and His willingness to carry their burden and to take the blame . I spent most of the day trying to recall a verse that had stuck out to me years ago . I texted several friends hoping they'd recall and be able to point me in the right direction . Finally tonight I was able to get online and search engine it . Praise the Lord it wasn't too far deep in the page feed . I must remind myself in times when the blame feels like too much that it isn't man who can judge me , but God . I must trust not only my God, but the choices He has allowed me to make and trust that I did what was best , for who I was in Him at the time . Something I've said to others that I am now needing to hear myself is, "Either you trust God with your life , or you don't" . To try to take back into my hands the things of the past would be not to trust . I find myself once again taking the blame and as it states in 1 Corinthians , "My conscience is clear...." .
This, then, is how you ought to regard us: as servants of Christ and as those entrusted with the mysteries God has revealed. 2 Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. 3 I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. 4 My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. 5 Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God.
1 Corinthians 4:1-5
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